A few weeks ago, my business partner, Laina, and I led our very first three-day retreat, called “The Wild Woman Summit.” It was wildly successful.
I’d call that a success, wouldn’t you?
So why, every time I sit down to write a blog post about how wonderful it was and invite you to the next one, do I want to throw up?
It’s not because it wasn’t wonderful. It was.
It’s not because I don’t want to invite you to the next one. I do.
It’s not because I hate to blog. I don’t.
It’s because if all I wrote was a glowing, promotional blog post with lots of happy pictures of our participants, I wouldn’t be telling the whole story.
The whole story includes me doing a lot of crying. (Like, a lot.) And a lot of curling up in the fetal position in the bottom of a dry bathtub during the week leading up to the Summit. And a lot of inexplicable anger leading me to scream at the top of my lungs in my car during the week after the Summit.
What is causing me to act this way? Well, one thing could be that this whole process of becoming bigger and more visible in my business has triggered some old, sexual trauma wounds. (Those of you that have sexual trauma in your past know how it often sneaks up and surprises you with a new level of unpeeling and healing, often in the most unexpected places, and after you thought you were “done with that.” Those of you who don’t might not understand what I’m talking about, and that’s ok, too.)
But one thing I know for sure is that I’m breaking through to an unprecedented level in my business, just one month after breaking through to an unprecedented level in my relationship (see the blog post, “I’m Engaged! And Why That’s Especially Amazing. . .”), and these kinds of processes are not always fun.
Regardless of whether “good stuff” or “bad stuff” is happening, the unfamiliarity of it all is throwing my ego into a maddening tailspin. It’s all, Baaaaah! I’m used to being the wild, crazy girl who burns her life to the ground and rises triumphantly from the ashes. The girl who travels around the world making questionable life choices and blogging embarrassingly about it all to all of her 50,000 closest friends on the internet! What are you doing getting married to a stable, loving man? Why are you creating a transformational businesses with your best friend – helping women and making lots of money by doing something you love? That’s the kind of stuff that people with their shit together do, and WE don’t have our shit together! What is HAPPENING?! Who do you think you are?!?!
(My ego is a real bastard sometimes.)
The truth is that even though the best stuff that’s ever happened to me is happening right now, I’m also in the middle of one of the biggest emotional-spiritual crises of my lifetime. No, it doesn’t make sense, and that drives me effing crazy, because I like things to make sense.
My therapist calls it an “ego restructure.” Doctors might call it “depression” or “anxiety.” Whatever it is, it is THE THING I have been most afraid of all my life. THE THING that had me change my undergrad major from “Human Development and Family Studies” to “English,” and kept me from doing this helping-type work for twelve years even though I know in my core it’s what I’m here on this planet to do.
And, I imagine, it’s THE THING that keeps many of you from doing your life’s work. As in, “I really want to start my own business/help other people/do something amazing and worthwhile with my life, but what if THAT THING overtakes me and I turn into a crazy mess not fit to even help myself, let alone anyone else?”
Sound familiar? Come on, I’m a coach. I talk to women like you for a living. I know you have that voice in your head.
But here’s the good news, ladies. I am writing to you from right smack in the middle of one of my worst fears coming true. THE THING is happening. This is “on location” reporting from the bottom of a very dark pit. And guess what?
Somehow, I’m still useful. My business hasn’t fallen apart. My clients haven’t left me. In fact, staying present to this vulnerable but very necessary spiritual transformation process I’m going through has made me more powerful than ever.
For example, I felt the Divine channeling straight through me while leading the Wild Woman Summit because, quite frankly, I had very little left to give of my own volition. Regardless of how “messed up” or “useless” I felt, what needed to come through me came through. I exquisitely held a transformational space for fourteen women for three days and brought in $20,000 of revenue for the business.
Also, somehow, I’m still loveable. My friends and family haven’t abandoned me, and my fiancée hasn’t changed his mind about marrying me. In fact, it seems like they’re actually enjoying the opportunity to experience me in this new, more vulnerable way. (I’m usually pretty “put together.”) This completely baffles me, but I’m practicing taking in their love.
So here is the take-home message, you brilliant women out there who have kept yourselves from taking big leaps in life because of the fear that you wouldn’t be able to keep it up – the fear that THE THING would overtake you and destroy it all, rendering you unable to help anyone, least of all yourself:
The message is DO IT ANYWAY. Because as Paulo Coehlo said, “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.”
Even if your worst possible fear comes true, you will handle it. Think of it this way, you will be able to handle everything that comes your way for the rest of your entire life. When you can’t anymore, you’ll die. And we all know that’s going to happen anyway! So stop putting off your big, exciting vision for fear that somehow, you won’t be able to “handle it.”
Not only that, but you will be stronger, brighter, and wilder for it. And everyone who needs you to shine your unique, brilliant light into their lives will be so grateful that when that big, exciting vision came knocking on your door, you didn’t cower in the corner in fear. You stepped right up and said, “Yes. Let’s do this shit.”
Are you ready to step out of fear and into possibility?
If you are a brilliant woman stuck in work that doesn’t allow you to fully express your unique purpose on this planet, if you’ve got a dream of something better but haven’t told anyone because of the fear that it couldn’t really happen, or even if you just want something better but don’t yet know what it could be, we would love to have you at our next Wild Woman Summit from May 1st-3rd at Mount Madonna Center in Watsonville, California.
It will be led by two imperfect, but passionate women – me and my partner, Laina James. Spiritual crisis or not, there’s something really powerful coming through us right now, and we want you to be in the room to let it re-ignite your own, unstoppable power.
The Wild Woman Summit is a three-day, $1000 retreat, but we have five spots left for full scholarships (all you pay is food and lodging for the weekend). Is one spot for you? Apply here. Imperfect women welcome. ☺
What type of wild woman are you?
Hello! I'm Melanie Munir, founder of Professional Wild Woman - a women's empowerment business dedicated to helping women who are tired of feeling either "too much" or "not enough" to connect to their inner wildness so they can create work that allows them the fullest expression of their unique voice. Welcome!